DESMOND: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by RoseOwl
Summary: NAMASTE! You are now the proud owner of a DESMOND unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to accidentally forget to push the button, brotha!


**The DHARMA Initiative**

**Presents**

**DESMOND: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

* * *

**NAMASTE**! You are now the proud owner of a DESMOND unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to accidentally forget to push the button, brotha!

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to exposing the world to the potentially dangerous pocket of energy beneath the Island in our ridiculous experiments.

Your DESMOND unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

* * *

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

**Full Name**: Desmond David Hume

**AKA**: Des, Scotty, Unique, Faraday's Constant, The Package, etc.

**Porn Name**: The Hot Scot

**Manufacturer**: DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

**Date of Production**: Classified

**Age**: Middle 30s

**Height: **Tall enough to kick Ben's ass!

**Weight**: Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.

* * *

**ACCESSORIES**

Your DESMOND unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all the necessary items:

One STANDARD DHARMA WARDROBE (jump suit, gas masks, etc.)

One BOTTLE OF MACCUTCHEON WHISKY (we hope you're worth it)

One PICTURE OF DESMOND AND PENNY

One BLUE SHIRT (miraculously lacks almost no buttons)

One COPY OF _OUR MUTUAL FRIEND_

One RIFLE

Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.

* * *

**ACTIVATION**

Your DESMOND unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your DESMOND unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He becomes unstuck in time!

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Lay your unit flat on the floor. Please resist temptations to strip the unit as that may trigger a consciousness time travel incident.

(3). Leave the room and close the door. Wait at least 30 seconds then knock on door.

(4). You will hear the unit wake and stand up. Open the door slowly and wait.

(6). After a few seconds your unit will ask: "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?" Note the answer is not "let's have sex," "let's have a party" or "let's get drunk and f***!"

(7). You will answer: "Smells like carrots."

(8). Your unit will then acknowledge your ownership by introducing himself.

Upon successful activation, your DESMOND unit will be glad to share a drink with you and start getting to know you. He will be initially wary but after some small talk then you two shall get on smashingly.

* * *

**MODES OF OPERATION**

**DEFAULT**

**EXPLORER**: Your DESMOND unit is searching for his purpose in his life. He seeks to be worthy of some great accomplishment. He will attempt various job opportunities and seek to better himself. This is great for you as he is very adaptable to many different lifestyles. He will always be up to trying something new. No. We're not talking about _that_. Mind out of the gutter, please! Ahem. DESMOND unit will especially enjoy occupations requiring long TRAVEL and meeting new people. Make sure you set down limitations or he could end up taking off for months. But he will sacrifice his own needs if you are in need of him. Never fear. He will come back to you somehow. Might have to do a bit of searching on your part.

**ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS**

**LOVER: **Your DESMOND unit will be very loyal to you and easily develop a relationship if you decide to pursue more than a friendship. However, you will have to overcome your unit's COMMITMENT issues. He will strive to prove himself WORTHY of you. He will seek acceptance from your family and friends. If any of them are less than welcoming then he will harbor fears and SELF DOUBT that will hinder your relationship. You must help him to rise above others' expectations and opinions to value his own worth independent of their views. By laying the foundation of mutual RESPECT and acceptance of both his weaknesses and strengths, you will be able to have a lasting relationship with your DESMOND unit. He will be a very accommodating lover and sensitive to your needs in bed and beyond. Oh, yes. Good sex and cuddling galore!

**SAILOR**: Your DESMOND unit enjoys traveling by sea. Just introduce him to a lovely sailboat and watch him spring into action. BEWARE! He may become quite attached to life on the seas. Do not encourage long journeys. He might get caught in a storm, stranded on a magical island and take YEARS to get home.

**SPECIAL**

**TIME TRAVELER**: Do not be surprised if your DESMOND unit wakes up one day and does not recognize you. No, it's not because he might be cheating on you. Once your unit is exposed to high levels of electromagnetism, his mind will time travel. Make sure you establish yourself as his CONSTANT before he becomes unstuck in time.

* * *

**CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE**

Your DESMOND unit requires little effort to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

1) Daily Grooming: DESMOND unit enjoys a quick, hot shower. And he won't mind if you jump in. Just don't hog the soap from him. It will make him testy.

2) Food: Your unit is very self sufficient and enjoys cooking his own meals. Feel free to let him cook for you. He makes great fruit smoothies.

3) Exercise: DESMOND unit likes to keep fit. He will go for a jog in the morning and visit the gym occasionally. So, get your gym membership renewed pronto.

4) Hair: Your unit has fantastic hair. It is thick and healthy. He will enjoy a daily wash and brush.

* * *

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Q: If I blast myself with electromagnetic energy will I time travel also?

A: Hell, no! The only thing that will travel is cancerous tumors across your body.

Q: What is DESMOND unit's alcohol tolerance like?

A: Why are you asking? Are you planning a large number of binges? He has a pretty high tolerance but he is NOT a drunk. Drinking binges will not be welcomed.

Q: Help! My DESMOND unit suddenly appeared in my backyard naked!

A: And your problem is...?

Q: Is it normal for DESMOND unit's eyes to practically bug out sometimes?

A: Completely. In fact, they may fall out of their sockets sometimes. Just pop the suckers back in.

* * *

**ADDITIONAL INFO**

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815

NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342

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**Author's Note**

Thank you very much for reading! Now, make a girl happy by kindly submitting a review.

If you enjoyed this guide then please feel free to check out my other LOST guides. I also have did guides on characters from Supernatural, Vampire Diaries and Heroes.

You can check out my live journal page for updates, bonus stuff, previews of upcoming guides, etc there. The link is on my profile page.

**Disclaimer**: I did not come up with the owner guide/manual idea. I believe that credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, who's idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own LOST


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